Parenting Resources Part II: Navigating Teenage Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity
By Katie Gorham, Ph.D. NCSP
August 6, 2020
The pre-teen and teenage years can be difficult for parents and youth alike for many reasons. Among other things adolescence is a time when youth become more in tune with their sexuality, and for some that may mean questioning their sexuality or gender identity, or discovering that their sexual orientation is different than their heterosexual peers. Coming out to parents and friends can be incredibly frightening for a child, and how parents respond can have a profound impact on the child’s social-emotional well-being and on their current and future relationships.
If your child expresses that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or questioning their identity…
Know that it’s okay to grieve.
As parents, it can be very hard to learn that your child is attracted to people of the same sex, or that they identify with a gender different than the one they were assigned at birth. It is normal to feel a sense of loss for the life you envisioned for them, and it is likely that you will go through a sort of grieving period as you process this information and reshape your dreams for your child’s future. Remember during this time of grieving that your child is still your child, and they need you now more than ever. It’s okay to tell your child that you need time to process but assure them that you love them and support them. This transparency will only help deepen your bond with your child as you start on this new journey together.
Refrain judgement and listen to what they have to say.
Because adolescence is a time of experimentation for many children, and because it is normal for children to play with the idea of gender expression from week to week, parents might be quick to think that this is just a phase. For some children, that might be true, but if your child is telling you they are gay or that they identify with a different gender, it is likely something they have felt and known about for many years. “Coming out” can be terrifying for a child, and they may be uncertain about how to talk about it with you. They know that by telling you this piece of information about themselves, they might be risking their entire relationship with you and all of the safety and security you and your home provides. Try to avoid judgement and listen to what your child has to say. Parents who listen to their children and use respectful language invite more open and honest communication and help their children feel safe during a very vulnerable time.
Get involved.
It is important for parents to know that youth who are questioning their sexuality or who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT), are more likely to be victims of violence and harassment compared to their non-LGBT peers. Because of that and other factors, they are also at greater risk for substance abuse, academic failure, school dropout, depression and suicide attempts and completion. As such, it is critically important that parents get involved in their children’s lives and show interest in who their friends are and the activities they are interested in. Spend time with your teenager, have discussions about their future goals, and have honest conversations about risky behaviors or unsafe situations and who they can talk to if they need support.
Seek support.
Know that you are not in this alone. Go easy on yourself - parenting a teenager is hard work and parenting a teenager who is questioning their identity can be even harder but equally as rewarding. There are many organizations and online resources for parents of LGBT youth that offer information on how to navigate this new information and how you can better support yourself and your child. Some helpful resources for you and your teen include:
A Note on gender identity and expression: Children become aware of their gender identity much earlier in life than they do their sexual orientation. Because of this, parents may find themselves having discussions with their children about gender identity at a very young age (sometimes as early as 2-3 years old). Remember that it is normal for children to experiment with gender expression over the course of their lives, but if your child is telling you they are a boy, not a girl, it is possible they are truly struggling with their gender identity and may eventually come to identify as transgender. While it might be difficult to believe from a child so young, it is imperative for their social/emotional well-being that you listen to what your child has to say and provide a safe and judgement free space for them to explore the concepts of gender identity and expression, regardless of how old they are.
If you or your child are looking for a safe place to navigate this new territory, know that the therapists at FPS are here to help.
