From problem-solving to pausing, and the power of co-regulation: Calming your mind and body so you can help your children regulate theirs
By Katie Gorham, Ph.D. NCSP
August 27, 2021
Have you ever felt your body tense up or feel like you're about to boil over when your teen talks back or your small child starts to melt down in a store? What about when your tween acts out repeatedly when it’s time to do their homework (even though they can focus like a hawk on their video games), or they storm off yelling after what started as a perfectly enjoyable family game night?
These moments can be hard, very hard, and because our own internal reactions can be so intense, we may inadvertently be leaning into the chaos and making the situation more difficult and more drawn out than it needs to be. In these moments our instinctual reaction may be to yell or punish (often escalating an already unpleasant situation) instead of grounding ourselves and using it as a moment to get curious about what's going on with our kids. The truth is children and teens have brains that are constantly under construction. They are not supposed to remember everything we tell them, they are supposed to mess up and make mistakes, and it’s expected that they’ll have difficulty keeping their cool and controlling their emotions, especially when they feel misunderstood. Kids and teens are still learning how to regulate their emotions and bodies, and any time they have a reactive moment - crying, yelling, storming out - they’re communicating “I’m having a hard time, I need you to hear me, to see me, to help me.” In these moments, when your child is dysregulated, the logic center of their brain is shutting down, making it very difficult for them to think rationally or respond in a way that makes sense. Congruently, the emotion centers of the brain take over and kids often need time or help to return to a regulated, or balanced state.
That’s where you come in - helping your child to re-regulate through your calm, a concept that is often referred to as “co-regulation.” When you are able to maintain a state of calm, your child’s brain will pick up on your regulated state and will slowly take your cue and begin to bring your child back from their heightened state (thank you, mirror neurons!). The thing is, the more you help your child regulate by modeling calm and maintaining a regulated state yourself, the better they will be able to develop their own internal regulatory systems. This means that as your child grows, they will learn to effectively self-soothe in times of distress or when they are experiencing frustration, and they will be more available for logical reasoning and problem-solving.
There is only one tiny little detail… keeping your cool when your kid is losing theirs is not easy. Our bodies respond when our children get upset. It may be that we feel personally attacked (e.g., “My child is trying to push my buttons; My child is trying to manipulate me.”), maybe we’re triggered by our insecurities as a parent (e.g., “If my child defies me or acts out I am a bad parent / I am doing it wrong.”), maybe the stress of judgment from onlookers in a public space is too suffocating, or that our child’s behavior reminds us of how we were parented (e.g., “When I forgot to do something my parents yelled.”). In those moments, because our own feelings and reactions can be so strong, it can be hard to remember that your child is trying to communicate something important to you and to respond in a way that helps to address your needs, your child’s needs and maintains balance within your family system. So, how do we regulate our systems in moments of high stress so we can help our children regulate theirs?
Pause and breathe. I’m reminded of when I used to work in the public school system and kindergarten teachers would prompt their students to “put a bubble in their mouth” to help them learn how to listen when they wanted to talk or to “think before they speak.” When I became a parent, I quickly realized this was a helpful tool for adults too, particularly when our kids are having a hard time. When your child starts to lose it, imagine putting a bubble in your mouth to keep yourself from reacting too quickly. Then take a long, slow inhale in through your nose and release out through your mouth, pushing the bubble out with your breath. Want to really calm your system down? Place a hand on your stomach and a hand on your chest and breathe deeply 3-5 times. Your chest and your stomach are the two places where you can physically feel the rise and fall of your breath entering and exiting your body and breathing in this position can be a very powerful, quick and effective way to calm your nervous system and regulate your emotions.
Take a break. Depending on the intensity of the situation, it might be helpful to remove yourself from the physical space your child is in to regain control (if it is safe to leave your child alone). This might mean stating out loud “I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I am going to take a break and come back in a few minutes.” Then walk to the bathroom, turn out the light and breathe deeply in the dark for a few moments. Taking a sensory-free moment to yourself can help you reset your system and make you more available to help your child regulate their system. Once you feel more settled and in control you can return to assist your child.
Shift your mindset and get curious: Just because a thought crosses your mind does not mean it is true. Often, our first thoughts in moments of chaos with our children are something to the tune of “What is wrong with you?”, “You’re just not listening today.”, or “Are you trying to make me angry?” While they may feel true, these thoughts often fuel our inner fire and deflect away from what’s really going on. Often a helpful mindset shift to play on loop in these moments is “My child is not trying to give me a hard time, they are having a hard time.” or “Even though it feels like my child is doing this on purpose, I know they need my help right now.” Another helpful mantra: “This is really hard, and I can do hard things.” Once you’ve shifted your mindset you are more available to get curious about what is really going on here. Ask yourself: Have my child’s needs been met today? Are they hungry? Tired? Do they need help? Have I had a moment to connect with them in a meaningful way today? Behavior is communication - what is your child trying to communicate to you?
Narrate what you see. When you’re at a loss for how to interpret a situation or for those moments when you’re trying really hard not to lose your cool, one thing you can do is narrate what you see and state out loud how you think your child might be feeling. Responding in this way gives everyone a little space and clarity and buys you time to decide how you really want to react. For example, if your child is stomping around and yelling about wanting more time on the iPad, you might say, “It seems like you really want to keep using the iPad right now, it’s really frustrating when we have to stop doing things we enjoy.” Many times, children just want to feel understood, and if you can label what they might be feeling it can sometimes be enough to help them re-regulate and move on (or at least move on little more quickly than they have in the past). It also offers an opportunity for you to connect and really understand how they feel. They might agree with your interpretation and talk more about it, or they may correct you and say something like, “No, I feel….” Either way, you gain more insight into what is going on in their brain and everyone gets space to reflect and re-regulate.
Press the brake on problem-solving. As parents, we often immediately assume the role of problem solver in times of conflict and want to jump right into action mode, asking “What can we do differently?” In these moments, however, when the dust is still settling, kids often can’t access that part of the brain again just yet, and hearing how they could, or should have handled the situation may cause your child to really blow their lid. Instead, allow some time and space and come back to it later when everyone has had a chance to regain control. This might mean popping into their room before bed and saying something to the effect of, “Hey, remember earlier when you started yelling because of ____, that seemed really frustrating for you, what was going on there? Let’s think of some ways we can help you work through that in a calmer way next time.” By allowing some time to pass before entering problem solving mode, you provide your child an opportunity to reflect on the situation in a more meaningful way, and they may even surprise you with the solutions they come up with for how they can better regulate themselves the next time they feel their temperature rising.
Your children are watching you, learning from you and growing from you. When they see you taking care of yourself when you’re frustrated and taking time to calm your system before reacting, they will internalize that and eventually they will begin to practice using those same methods when they become frustrated or upset. Remember, finding your calm in the chaos of a tough family moment can be hard, and you won’t always “get it right.” Honestly, that’s probably for the best - your child will benefit knowing you sometimes struggle too and you’re working to find ways to do things differently. It also offers the opportunity for you to model an effective apology (for example, you could say, “Hey, I was really frustrated earlier, I lost my cool and I yelled at you. I was mad that X happened, but it wasn’t okay for me to yell, that’s not how I want to communicate with you. Next time I’m upset, I’m going to try to communicate that with you differently.”), and it demonstrates that the goal is not perfection but progress. Every time you practice taking a moment to regulate your system and shift your mindset, you are not only sharing a valuable life tool with your child but your ability to connect with your child in a meaningful way is strengthened, and in the end, isn’t that what parenting is all about?
If your child or teen is experiencing excessive difficulty with emotional or behavioral regulation, know that the therapists at Formative Psychological Services (FPS) are here to help. We are currently offering in-person and teletherapy services and have office locations in Ravenswood and Northbrook. Please contact us by phone at (872) 241-9337 or email at info@fpschicago.com.
